i started watching this movie on a bad day. a bad bad day. a day where you unwillingly wake up before the sun, completely on the wrong side of the bed and you bury yourself in your pillow crying while the toddler runs around half naked while the baby screams in her crib.
and then, as if by some miracle, they both take their naps at the same time and you turn on a movie. i said screw it and paid to watch 'about time' instead of finding a free one on hulu or netflix.
i had heard so many great reviews about this movie and i was pretty excited to finally be watching. i sat down with some cookies and turned it on. and, i'll admit, i wasn't impressed. i kept waiting and waiting for it to be as great and as moving as everyone said it was.
and then, it happened. the ending. i'm not going to give anything away for those of you who haven't seen it, don't worry! but i started bawling. like a baby. like, full-on ugly cry. "and then i went one step further than my dad. i lived every day once..." ugh. kills me.
it helps that the luckiest was playing in the background. one of my favorite songs ever. in high school, one of my best friends could play this song so beautifully on the piano and i learned it from him. i so badly needed that reminder that i am the luckiest.
this morning before the movie, i was thinking so many ugly thoughts. i'm a horrible mama. i'm a terrible wife. i wish i could quit. just run away for a day. i wish i was a better person.
it seems so silly to me that a 2 hour movie could turn it all around. i'm sitting here wiping tears off my cheeks so i can see the screen to type. i want to get it all out before it wears off. because, let's be real, it will. one day, hopefully not soon, i'll be crying in bed thinking those ugly thoughts again. but then, i'll remember this moment and i'll turn on the luckiest and remember how truly lucky i am.
after this i'll wake the kids up and we'll go to the grocery to get milk. boring? maybe. but it's a task that i'm pretty scared of. today will be different. today i'll enjoy every moment. i'll let william ride in whichever color car cart he wants. i'll go fast when he says fast and slow when he says slow. i won't just wear charlotte, but i'll talk to her and play with her and take my time. not worrying about getting through as quickly as possible, but truly enjoy my time out with these two.
from now on, i will live every day only once. every day like it's the truly amazing day that it is. i'll cherish those early morning wake up calls from william and charlotte. i'll say no less. or not even at all. i'll put down my phone and close the computer and go play outside when william asks to go see the 'yucky poo-poo' (yep. he wants to see the dog shit in the backyard. just look. and then watch me pick it up. he's weird and i love it). i'll let him water the plants when he asks. i'll hold charlotte more instead of leave her on a blanket with her toys.
i'll kiss brad when he gets home from work. the moment he gets home. and i'll be genuinely excited to see him instead of jealous like i was before. i resent him a little for leaving every day. i hate that about myself. i should appreciate that i get to stay home with william and charlotte every day. that brad works hard so i can do that. i'll make a real dinner instead of popping a frozen pizza in the oven. i'll let william sit on the counter and help me. i'll wear charlotte so she can see too.
"i don't get many things right the first time, in fact i am told that a lot. now i know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here"